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Maxabout.com > Tips
Twelve Helpful Tips for RelationshipsAdded on:5/17/2008 6:19:34 PM
In Relationships Tips Rated by 1 users
1. PRIORITIES: The happy and satisfied couples make a very clear commitment to each other to make their relationship (including their sexual
relationship) good. They give their relationship the time and attention it
deserves. They place quality time together at the top of their list of
priorities. Other things that demand their time are sometimes cancelled or
delayed. Dinners are sometimes put on hold while they talk or make love.
They may be late for a party or work or a visit to relatives. They are
careful to arrange weekends or vacations alone... without the children, or
friends, or mother-in-law. They sometimes turn down invitations and they
carefully examine events or tasks called "obligations."
2. TIMING: A good and satisfying relationship can happen only when there is
time for it. The current structure of families and the American work ethic
conspire to lead us into a predictable trap. Couples put off intimacy and
conversation while they "get things done." Cleaning the house, washing the
car, talking to relatives on the phone, watching TV, etc. replace the
loving behaviors they used to engage in at the outset of their
relationship. If anything good happens, it comes late at the end of a
fatiguing day, or put off until the weekend or vacation. Happy couples
don't stop making "dates" with each other and seize upon expected and
unexpected times and opportunities. They make time, take time, and pay a
lot of attention to each other.
3. RECOVERY: The happy couples are unique in that they quickly recover from
arguments and hurt feelings. They have been found to use a method not often recommended by counselors and therapists of the past. They are often able to temporarily put aside relationship problems to experience something
enjoyable together. They put off further arguments while they go to a
concert, out to dinner, a party, or even to make love. Then, after having a
good time, they use these good feelings to quickly resolve issues that
unhappy couples spend a lifetime fighting about. The gratified couples try
to work on important disagreements ONLY when they are both at their best.
4. TOUCH: The happily satisfied couples touch each other a lot. Most of
their touching is sensual, but non-sexual and non-genital. They hold hands,
snuggle on the couch while they watch TV, hug, kiss, take baths together,
give massages, etc. Couples who go days or longer without any prolonged
affectionate touch are starting from scratch when they decide to be
intimate. Unlike the affectionate couples, they have a lot of work to do to
make something interesting happen. Sex is not that much different than
daily behaviors for the fulfilled couples, but it is a major shift for the
less affectionate pairs.
5. ROMANCING: Content couples know the importance of surprise, tenderness, compliments, and special little gifts. (Big, expensive gifts don't predict happiness in relationships, but regular little ones do.) They continue
"until death do we part" to behave in a romantic, sexy, and seductive
manner toward each other. Touches, unexpected phone calls to each other,
candle-lit dinners, naked weekends together, extravagant compliments,
flowers and little "thingy" gifts from the drug store, are common events.
The gifts and phone calls are especially important since they communicate
clearly that, "I am often thinking of you when we aren't together." These
couples avoid the deadly danger of taking each other for granted. If they
have gone too long being busy with other things, they apologize and do
something about it.
6. ANTICIPATION: A major feature of actually feeling "in love" is that
wonderful sense of anticipation when thinking about our partner. One day a
busy executive received an envelope from a messenger. Inside was a note
from his wife to whom he'd been married for 19 years. It said, "Wanted...
handsome man for a grand night of passion! See you at 7:00 PM!" Also inside
the envelope was a room key to a nice local hotel. The man said he got very
little work done that day! Happy couples plan ahead and make invitations to
their lover. They know the importance of keeping passion alive. They
regularly create anticipation by, for instance, phoning their partner at
work and making a "hot date" for that evening. They describe their passion
and may even offer a "menu" for the anticipated loving event. Contrast this
to the typical couple, where the only anticipation comes after he or she
says, "Wanna do it tonight?" This category requires regular thought and
creativity, but the outcome will usually be more than worth the effort.
7. PLAYFULNESS: Happy couples work at their relationships and take them
seriously,... but not somberly. They play at making their partnership fun
and healthy. They understand the extremely high value of humor and
laughter. What other couples react to as tragedies, these couples are
sometimes able find humor in. When bed slats break, diaphragms fly across
the room, your children interrupt your love-making, it rains on your
picnic, etc., these couples respond with "Wasn't it funny", not with
hysterics, anger and anxiety. They just do the best they can and understand
that they are merely human. They take loving and fun-filled care of "the
child within" themselves and their partner.
8. COMMUNICATION: All studies show a direct association between the quality of a couple's communication skills and the quality of their relationship. They certainly don't always sit around talking about their relationship, but their is an open agreement between them that when something needs to be said, it will. They don't just talk about the problems in their relationship. They spend even more time talking about the things they love about their partner and partnership.
9. SHARING: As an important part of their communication, these content
couples share the big, important issues such as dreams and fears. They
often tell each other the stories of their lives, sharing their understanding of how their past influences the present. Sometimes the more
courageous even share their fantasies with each other.
10. PARENTING: Every study on the topic has clearly shown that there is a
reduction in several important areas of marital satisfaction from the birth
of the first child until the last child leaves home. Ironically, children
are an ever-present danger to the health of your relationship. This is more
true today than ever before due to the high number of single parents and
blended families, which add other potential problems to an already present
difficulty. The happiest couples maintain a commitment that their children
are not going to have a large negative impact on their love and romance.
They do all they can to ensure that their partner doesn't often feel second
to the children (or anything or anyone else). These parents make sure that
their children respect their privacy, which happens best when the parent
also has respect for the child's privacy. It is almost easy for some of
these parents to minimize the negative impact of children on the
relationship, because the children are comfortably aware that they are
loved, and that mom and dad (or parent and partner) are very much in love
with each other. With very rare exception, it is extremely helpful to the
child's development to observe regular genuine affection between parents
(or parent and partner).
11. EQUALITY: Finally, modern studies have universally demonstrated that
the only healthy long-term relationships are between people who feel and
are equal. Couples who are attempting to have a 1950's type of relationship
in which the man makes most of the big decisions and the woman gets to pick the color of the kitchen towels, are not working in the long term.
Regardless of one's opinion of the women's movement, the revolution has
already occurred. Those who are attempting to stop or turn back the clock
are ultimately meeting with dismal failure. The extremes of relationship
power imbalances in which physical and mental abuse occurs are the least
successful today.
12. CONFLICT RESOLUTION: Recent research tells us that couples who deal
with disagreements by withdrawing, ignoring their partner's feelings, and
escalating the intensity of the arguments are heading toward a failed
relationship unless healthier styles of conflict resolution are developed.
It is vital that the woman send clear (mostly non-verbal) signals about her
desires for distance or closeness; and, it is equally important that the
man pay close attention to her signals, interpret them correctly, and
respond as quickly as possible if the relationship is run smoothly.
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