|
Maxabout.com > Tips
1. Feel your Feelings
If you're already in the midst of dealing with a break up you're probably already doing this bit and are looking to move on, but feeling your feelings is an essential part of the healing process. Take the time to explore what you are going to miss and what aren’t you going to miss. What are you angry about? What are you sad about? What do you fear this break up means? What was your part in the break up? What are you always going to love or appreciate about your ‘Ex’. Explore these questions in such a way that you can feel all the things you suspect may be true even if you’d rather they were not. Write the letter as if you were writing it to someone who really cares about how you feel.
It’s really important that you take time to do this. At first it may not appear that this is the most critical step of coping with a break up, but every time you leave a relationship there is a danger that you will harden your heart due to the pain and disappointment. That hardening makes you less attractive and makes your life a lot less loving.
2. Recognise the signal to move on
At some point - whether it's days, weeks, months or even years- you'll get a sense that you're fed up with feeling bad. Maybe there’s a growing frustration with yourself that you aren't moving on. Maybe you’re there right now and that's why you've come looking for break up advice. The signal that you're ready to move on is not just when you start berating yourself. Self hate is not what I'm talking about here. If you catch yourself saying things like 'You are so pathetic!', or 'Get over it loser, she left you.' then you're not ready to move on. It's bad enough that your relationship ended. Don't make it worse by locking in more self hate.
So what's the signal you are looking for?
Hopefully it's a voice full of love and compassion for you and your struggles. All you need to know is that this sense of frustration with yourself is a signal. The signal says that it's time to take the necessary steps to move on from the end of your relationship. One of my favorite quotes is that ‘you don’t drown by falling into water, you drown by staying there!’
3. Use your emotion to move you on
Most commonly after a break up it will be hurt, inadequacy or loneliness. If your prime emotion is something else I'm sorry, there are too many to deal with in this article, but if one of these is your main emotion currently, here are the steps to take:
Hurt - maybe as a result of your sense of loss.
Get a sheet of paper and a pen now. Take 10 minutes and write down all the reasons you won't miss your partner. All the things they did that annoyed you about them. All the things you would have changed about them if you could have done. All the things you wanted from them that they couldn't or wouldn't give you. Keep the list and review it and add to it any time you get those feelings of hurt again. Try to think of at least 5 really big incidents during the relationship where you clearly knew it wasn’t working for you. (You'll need this sheet later on in the process.)
Inadequacy - Feeling unworthy.
Get a sheet of paper. For 10 minutes write down all the things you appreciate or feel proud about yourself for. What would your friends say they like or love about you (you may actually even want to ask some of your close friends). What do your family love about you? What have you achieved in your life that you were proud of? Who do you know that loves you? Sometimes when we feel low this can be hard to do. If you’re struggling with this and there’s nothing you feel good about then ask yourself ‘ If you could feel good about just one thing what would it be?’ Then ask yourself that question again as many times as you can. Trust me - you are bigger and better than you think, you are a miracle in progress!
Loneliness - You need to connect with someone.
This is an important part of the process anyway even if you aren't feeling lonely. Stay in contact with and go out with as many of your friends as you can. It’s important that you do this ahead of time rather than just waiting for the weekend to happen to you. Trying to reach out when you’re miserable is really hard and you can end up getting caught in a spiral. Being single is a luxury that you could easily miss. This serves to remind you that you still have lots of people to connect with in life and it also helps your mind to focus on some fun things.
4. Rid your environment of reminders
What you focus on you is what you feel. If you spend your time thinking about the loss of your partner - guess what? You'll feel miserable. That's why, once you've dealt with the real signals that the emotions give you, you must do as much as you can to focus your mind on things that please you. Make a deal with yourself that if you are really missing them, and feel the need to re-connect, you can pull out an old photo or that old T-shirt. Take the time to go back and feel sad for a while or write about how much you hate them in that moment and then get back to your new life.
Out of sight, out of mind.
5. Do fun things!
Generate yourself a list of things you like or love to do. Yes, again, you must write them down. So when you're next focusing on things that are making you feel sad, you can run for the list, pick something off it and go do it. It's the best way to speed up the process of moving on.
You'll be amazed at how this works to change your mood.
Keep adding to your list... listen to loud music, dance around the room, sing your favorite fun song, watch your favorite film on video, go for a run or call a friend. You know the kind of things I mean.
The simple, easy and quick to do ones are the best.
6. Recognise you're ready to love again
There's no practical step here.
- Only you'll know when you're ready
- How long it takes is in your hands
- Set yourself a time limit
When you'll be ready is a gray area. The truth is it will happen when you've fully accepted your past relationship is over and when you've fully dealt with your emotions around the break up. Not easily measured, but doing all the steps in this process will speed it along. you feel like it’s time and you're still finding it difficult to move on, then get some assistance.
7. Learn from your relationship
The reason you broke up? The real reason - was that you were either not compatible or communication was poor. To ensure you increase your chances of finding someone to love for life, learn from your past relationships.
Take the list of things you may have written about in step 3 and store them in a safe place. If you haven't already generated that list, then do it when you get to this stage of the process.
|